Cuban Strikes Back…Again

Gotta love Cuban. He gives new meaning to the term “constructive feistiness”. Assuming that term ever had meaning. He’s using his blog to make sure that the SEC knows attacking him will not come without consequences. Today he dissects the Inspector General’s recent report on the SEC. From Cuban’s research, we know a few things about the Securities & Exchange Commission which recently sued him:

- Their employees like porn (no, seriously).

- Their employees and officials are allowed to trade stocks and bonds despite the fact that their jobs give them access to confidential material information on those stocks and bonds.

- There are insufficient mechanisms in place to detect insider trading by SEC employees based on that confidential material information.

- Despite such insufficient mechanisms, there have still been 6 SEC employees prosecuted for criminal activity in the 6 months between April and October. One employee a month out of only 3,500. That’s a lot.

The message: if you come after Cuban you better keep your own house clean. Cuban tries to convince us that, hey, it’s nothing personal: “First let me say this has nothing to do with me…” Yes it does Mark. But we still appreciate it all the same.

Some Girl I Dated Falls Through A Hole

Sarah Welch was a girl I dated in 2004 (few months, nothing serious). Yesterday it was brought to my attention that Sarah made some headlines last year when she fell through a hole in the runway during a fashion show at the Mondrian. The above video got 1.5 million views within a week. This may have satisfied Sarah’s voracious appetite for attention…but I doubt it. Sarah, wherever you are, godspeed.

The Lakers’ New Defense, A Cure for Erectile Dysfunction

Lakers fans, raise your hand if our defense this year has got your loins throbbing. Watching last year’s team play defense was like, to quote Patches O’Houlihan, “watching a bunch of retards try to hump a doorknob”. I mean seriously, our defensive rotations barely reached the level of a YMCA team and we did nothing to counteract our decades long inability to defend the pick-and-roll. It’s unbelievable, it’s like Phil Jackson is the supreme being in all aspects of basketball strategy, except for pick-and-roll defense.

When Shaq was on the team we could at least attribute it to having a fat, lazy slob for a Center who couldn’t move fast enough to recover and pick up the roller. But since then we still haven’t gotten our act together. I’m still traumatized by the 2006 Playoffs when the Suns were able to get Boris Diaw in the post against Derek Fisher off a pick-and-roll 147 plays in a row. Last spring’s Finals were the last straw. For some reason Paul Pierce was able to get to the hole faster than Telly from Kids, while Boston’s D was tighter than the virgin Connie Swail.

No longer, people. A new day has dawned. As suspected, the second the Finals were over, the Zen Master went to Def-Com 5 Red Alert status. He knew that for this Lakers team to get over the hump, despite their overwhelming talent, they would need an entire new defensive philosophy. The problem wasn’t simply desire or hard work (although the Lakers D lacked those 2 attributes as well), they needed an actual plan and strategy to execute. Phil, knowing that he needed a fresh perspective on the subject, enlisted the one man he knew was fit for the task. A man Magic Johnson once referred to as “Kurt. The Animal. Rambo. Rambis.”

Rambis. The rugged warrior of the Lakers’ dynasty. The square peg in the round hole of glamour and grace of Showtime (to quote ex-Pistons forward Adrian Dantley: “Man, even Kurt Rambis was getting laid back then.”). This off-season Rambis, now a Lakers assistant coach, set out to devise a defensive scheme that would make the best use of the Lakers’ length and athleticism. LA Times writer Mike Bresnehan gives us a great breakdown of the defense here.

The defensive scheme employs many principles of John Chaney’s vaunted Zone Trap that he ran at Temple. Pressure the ballhandler immediately to force him to one side of the court and prevent penetration. Then, overload that side of the court with an extra defender to take away space and make it harder to swing the ball back around. If the ball is swung, since just about all of the players are on the interior, it’s easier to shift the D back to play the other side of the court without scrambling and losing position. This is made possible by having long athletic players like Andrew Bynum and Trevor Ariza who recover quickly after over-playing one side of the court and can swoop into passing lanes. The Lakers still get sloppy, lazy, and overconfident on D for various stretches, but if they can stick to the game plan it will be Paul Pierce barreled over in frustration come this April.

He’ll Be Eatin Purina

In 2004, Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick signed a contract for $130 million. Now, he’s bankrupt. Sports Illustrated’s Rick Reilly tells us how.

More On Citigroup

This time from Tom Friedman. I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but they didn’t factor a downturn in the American real estate market into their financial models!!!!!!!! In case you’re not grasping this, a bunch of real estate investors made real estate investments based on the idea that real estate prices never go down. Apparently, they thought they were trading baseball cards. Friedman: “it’s left me totally disgusted.” And now we have to pay for it. Excuse me while I go do the only thing that brings me comfort when thinking about Wall Street assholes like this: watching Christina Bale butcher Jared Leto with a pick axe in American Psycho.

A Very Madonna Thanksgiving

The setting: Thanksgiving Day 2004. I casually stroll outside in my bathrobe and slippers to grab the newspaper, doing my best imitation of Mr. Furley from Three’s Company. The street is eerily quite, as are most days in LA that don’t require you to leave the house. As an apocalyptic wind gushes by me, I stare off into the distance and see a sorbet orange figure coming towards me. The figure draws nearer and I realize it’s someone on a bike wearing a bright orange Adidas jumpsuit with matching Kangol hat. Since I’ve got to get a closer look at who this goofy fuck in the orange jumpsuit is, I wait for them to peddle by.

When the figure finally approaches and I get a closer look, I realize….it’s Madonna. It’s 10am Thanksgiving Day on some back street in Beverly Hills and Madonna is pedaling towards me in a bright orange Adidas jumpsuit. So what do I say when faced with an intimate one-on-one encounter with mankind’s Pop Goddess? I say the only thing I can think to say in such a situation: “Hey Madonna”. The Material Girl tilts her head slightly to semi-acknowledge my presence and pedals off. Oh well, I guess it was never meant to be. But it does make for an amusing Thanksgiving anecdote. My only regret is not asking her the question that was really on everyone’s mind: “Why are you dressed like a gay Samuel L. Jackson???”

Another Conservative Gets Religion on Obama

This time it’s neo-con Max Boot. According to Boot, Obama’s appointments have proven to him that, believe it or not, Barack Obama is not a commie radical. Maxwell, that’s what we were trying to tell you and the rest of the “He Has The Most Liberal Voting Record In the Senate” Gang for months: Obama is the least ideological, most pragmatic major politician of the modern era. Anyone who actually listened to the man, instead of to Sean Hannity and a bunch of spam emailers, knew that.

The Dirty Rotten Scoundrel Files: November 25, 2008

"You're the inspiraaaaaaation!"

It was raining in more ways than one last night in Los Angeles. Last night, as it was quickly approaching the witching hour, I found myself meandering around Apple (whatever, it’s close) filled with more than a little gusto and Red Bull (among other things), but unfortunately no cash to pay for valet. Since the prospects of jogging in the rain to the ATM were none too appealing, I needed to come up with a solution fast.

Luckily we live in a pathetically decadent society that exalts needless and obnoxious displays of extravagance because some jerk-off who watched too many Lil’ Wayne videos decided to, as the kids say, “make it rain”. As $1 bills showered down, let’s just say there was no confusion as to who the Jew in the room was. I scampered to grab enough to pay for valet (and a little somethin extra for the kids, eh) and returned home relatively dry.

So I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the dochebag members of the movement known as “Bling Bling” who convinced this guy that spraying a bunch of George Washingtons would make him glamorous. Jay-Z, Pac Man Jones, Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ John, Fat Joe, and Steve Guttenberg (ok not him, but I just like to use his name), thank you! Needless to say, lunch is on you.

They Certainly Are “Fiery”

Those damn Canadians are at it again. In honor of the South Park episode which spawned the idea, kids in Calgary recently instituted National Kick-A-Ginger Day (November 20th, for all of you wondering). So far 13 kids at St. Francis High School in Calgary have been suspended for assaulting their red-headed classmates. Calgary education officials are expecting more cases of red-head bashing to roll in over the coming weeks: “I would not be surprised, considering how widespread it was if there were more cases.”

In order to heal these wounds, I would like to extend an olive branch to the red-headed community and dedicate this post to my two favorite gingers, I mean, red-heads: Kimberly “I’m the It Girl Depending On Your Definition of ‘It’” Brook and everybody’s favorite red-headed step-child, Diamond Dave Gorson (pictures below). Cuz let’s be honest, Neapolitan ice cream would really suck without the strawberry.

“We’ve Lionized Dimwits.”

Bob Herbert of the New York Times gives his take on our current infrastructure problems and Obama’s new plan to deal with them. We have some major infrastructure problems (transportation, education, energy, etc.) and they’re only getting worse. As Senator Chris Dodd points out, our major economic competitors (China, India, Russia) are spending 7%-8% of their national budget on infrasturcture, while we’re spending less than 2%. Disgraceful.

How did we get to this point? In Herbert’s words, “we’ve lionized dimwits.” Bob, you’re speakin my language. We simply haven’t been making the common sense decisions necessary to keep pace. That’s why Obama’s plan (at least the broadstrokes) is just what we need. The public works projects will create jobs to alleviate our employment problems and get our infrastructure up to date. Dodd is proposing the creation of a National Infrastructure Bank to streamline decision-making on infrastructure projects and control the funding. Senator Dodd, when I’m taking the high speed train from LA to San Francisco, I’ll sip a latte in your honor.