Jennifer Aniston’s “Hey Brad Look How Many Young Guys Want To Fuck Me” Tour

As you may have heard, 39 year old Jennifer Aniston will be showing off her assets while leaving just a bit to the imagination on the cover of next month’s GQ. I guess she’s trying to boost her demographics, i.e. Males 18-35 who jerkoff to her. Don’t blame her to be perfectly honest. She really got hosed on this Brangelina thing. I mean, that was ruthless. Slightly hotter and much freakier movie star unapologetically plunders her marriage and repeatedly rubs her face in it in the press? Not cool and I’m glad she’s getting her revenge, although I’m not sure schtooping John Mayer is the best way to go about it.

And another thing, I don’t understand people’s fascination with Jolie. She’s basically a cold, dark bitch who has admitted to getting serviced by an Asian bull dyke every once in a while, just for variety (I suppose). Yeah she’s smart and her lips could suffocate a hippopotamus, but the woman just gives me the hebe-jebes. People for some reason romanticize celebrities who seem dark and mysterious, but I don’t buy Jolie’s act. Her International Romper Room is a transparent vanity project that has left Brad Pitt looking more dejected than Tim Robbins after he got ganged raped in Shawshank Redemption. Whatever, Angie is just some reformed goth chick who couldn’t tie her own shoes while at Beverly.

Personal anecdote time:

December 25, 1997 my family and I engaged in the Jewish tradition of going to the movies on Christmas Day. We of course decided to see Titanic because that Leonardo guy is just so dreamy. Sitting in front of us in the theater that day was mid-70’s film star and dead-beat dad, Jon Voight. With him was a stunning brunette, bearing lips almost as large as Kate Winslett’s areolas. This chick was not even half his age, so we just assumed that Voight was using his fame and fortune to get a piece of young tail. Turns out that girl was his daughter, Angelina Jolie. Jolie had not yet reached the public consciousness, so we didn’t know any better. Anyway, Jon Voight cried like a little girl to Titanic. I’m talking serious waterworks. Then he reached over and started massaging his daughter’s inner thigh. Ok, that last part didn’t happen, but whatever fuck Angelina Jolie.

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