Berlusconni: Sleazy Even for a Guy Named Silvio

Fresh allegations of philandering have been levelled against Italian Prime Minister, media baron, and guy who slicks his hair back with olive oil, Silvio Berlusconni. Apparently he’s been galavanting around Europe with (aspiring) model Noemi Letizia. Shouldn’t the company of beautiful young women be the birthright of an endlessly wealthy and successful Italian guy with a name you’d expect to find on the inside of a loafer? Well, yeah, until you find out that Letizia had her 18th birthday LAST MONTH. Then you hear that Berlusconni entertained her and a bunch of her not-even-barely-legal friends on a yacht over new years and you gotta think: “Man, that’s sleazy even for a guy named Silvio.”

Kevin Bacon, The Guy Just Can’t Catch A Break

Good lord. It’s tough to feel bad for a famous movie star, but Kevin Bacon’s been really taking it in the chops lately. In all the Steven Spielberg/Jeffrey Katzenberg hub-bub, it was overlooked in certain circles that Bacon was a major Bernie Madoff victim. Yes, the man with the nose that could single-handedly inspire a Philip Roth novel was on Madoff’s hit list. High on Madoff’s hit-list. Word is Bacon was completely wiped out. Luckily his wife Kyra Sedwick makes a handy $300,000 an episode for The Closer, but still, the fruits of his success and a life-time’s work are gone. 

Then to add a little insult to injury, over the weekend, Bacon was mugged on the subway. In mid-town. Who the hell gets mugged in mid-town in post-Guliani New York???? I guess a cloud has just been hovering over Bacon lately. Has he been dancing without a license in the Bible Belt again? I can’t say I know the guy, but I’ve always got good vibes from him. First off, I’ll defend any Animal House alumni to the death. Beyond that, the guy plays a great fascist gay prostitute (JFK) and he and his wife are one of the few celebrity couples I can think of that have stayed together without controversy for more than a decade (two decades in this case). In all seriousness, I can’t imagine it’s the easiest thing and Bacon/Sedgwick have always managed to conduct themselves gracefully outside the purview of the tabloid vultures. The secret to a healthy marriage in Bacon’s words?

“Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.”

Whatever his sins may be, I’m sure there are quite a few people who had getting wiped out by Madoff and mugged outside a D’Agostino coming to them more than Kevin Bacon.

How does this always seem to happen to me? – The Dancing Itos Edition

Now we all at one time or another encounter a situation that somehow goes from bland to colorful, mild to spicy, Vice President Gore to Documentarian Gore based on an unwitting factor. A little monkey-wrench that somehow makes an otherwise normal situation become noteworthy. Not to toot my own horn, but this seeems to occur to yours truly more often than the average joe the plumber. I have no rational explanation for this other than inhabitating a bloodline that is well versed in storytelling. If your genetic code is pre-disposed to tell stories, it then figures that forces beyond your control would want to provide you with good material, right?

Well, those forces must have been at work this morning at the LA Criminal Courts Building. Although I am a licensed member of the State Bar of California, as a transactional lawyer, I rarely, if ever, have reason to see the inside of a courtroom. However, this morning I was summoned to make an appearance for a sick lawyer friend of mine for a minor procedural matter downtown at the CCB. Now out of all the courts in Los Angeles, out of all the judges in the greater metropolitan area, which one do you think was handling this case? Guess. I dare you. 

That’s right. Judge. Lance. Ito.

Boom shakalaka.

The Big Cheese. The Head Honcho. The Superintendant of Funk. By anyone’s interpretation, the man is a civic treasure. Some would say Ito’s star has fallen since his salad days as the Simon Cowell of the O.J. Simpson trial, but his contributions cannot be overstated. Lance still brings the force. My interactions did not reach beyond a few sentences, but believe you me, the chemistry was there. So with no further adieu, let the Dancing Itos take this one away.

Kenyan Man Sues Feminists Over Sex Boycott

Umm, I think I’ll let this one speak for itself.

NAIROBI, Kenya (CNN) — A Kenyan man has sued activists who called on women to boycott sex to protest the growing divide in the nation’s coalition government.

James Kimondo said the seven-day sex ban, which ended this week, resulted in stress, mental anguish, backaches and lack of sleep, his lawyer told the state-run Kenya Broadcasting Corp.

The lawsuit filed Friday claims lack of conjugal rights affected Kimondo’s marriage and seeks undisclosed damages from the G-10, an umbrella group for women’s activists, KBC said.

The women’s caucus caused a national debate when it urged women to withhold sex to protest increasingly frosty relations between President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga.

Citizens of the east African nation are frustrated by a shaky coalition government, which was formed after post-election violence killed more than 1,000 people in 2008. The wrangling between Kibaki and Odinga has sparked fears of more violence.

Gender activists say they are not worried about the lawsuit.

“I have not been served with the papers, but I was told they are coming and I am eagerly waiting,” said Ann Njogu, executive, director of Centers for Rights Education and Awareness. “It will be interesting to see the face of a man who is not willing to abstain for the sake of his country.”

Despite the lawsuit, Njogu said, the boycott was successful. “The principal leaders met as a result of the boycott, and I understand that they are setting up reforms to look into the country’s internal security,” she said.

In-N-Out’s Existence Threatened By Hard Partying Jesus Jazzer?????

You show me a local Los Angeles eatery chain and I’ll show you an urban legend about its ownership (“The owner of Pinkberry is a crazy Korean chick!”). Nothing has maintained the purity of Southern California sun shiny nostalgia like In-N-Out. Let the White Castle man-tanned Brooklyn greaseballs sell out and start shipping frozen burger packs to Boise and Des Moines, we’ll keep our 232 locations in the Sun Belt and out of Vons. On a more personal level, what LA kid can forget his first time disobeying the “One-Way” traffic sign off Gayley and cutting the In-N-Out take-out line to grab a double-dobuble?

Businesweek reporter Stacy Perman has a new book about In-N-Out and it turns out our precious burger chain has some skeletons in its closet. Founders Harry and Esther Snyder pulled a Vito Corleone and decided to pass-over their black sheep son, Guy, and leave the chain to younger son, Richard, until his untimely demise in a plane crash in 1993 (perhaps Guy Snyder was a little willier than Fredo…).  In classic disgruntled trust fund baby fashion, Guy od’d on pain killers in 1999 and left the chain in control of 2 trusts, until 2011 when it will descend to Guy’s daughter Lynsi Martinez. Now as documented by LA Times business writer, Michael Hiltzik, the only information made public about Lynsi is that she is known for “hard partying” and religious fanatacism. Does this mean the end of In-N-Out as we know it? Will Lynsi replace “animal style” with communion wafers? Ehhh, that’s a little paranoid, but always comforting to know that a couple fast food chain urban legends are worth repeating.