“What the hell is THAT?!!!”: A quick word on vaginal insert contraceptives

A major ad campaign by Nuva Ring has vaginal insert contraceptives firmly back in the public zeitgeist. For you amateurs out there, Nuva Ring is a hormone-releasing plastic ring that sexually active, career conscious single women place in their nether regions in lieu of taking birth control pills. Nuva Ring has been around since 2002 and is now used by 1.5 million women worldwide. But let’s be honest, not a whole hell of a lot of guys know it exists. We can only assume that after this major marketing push, we’re gonna have more ladies with foreign objects in their vaginal cavities, leaving a generation of young men unprepared for what they’re gonna find once they go down there.

Let’s examine a recent experience of mine: on a brisk yet tender evening last month, I was engaging in the mating ritual generally known as “fore-play”. As I proceeded from 2nd base on over to 3rd, a tactile sensation told me there was something more down there than just warm apple pie. Now this young lady had shown herself to be a classy gal up until this point, so I figured that there had to be some good explanation for it and carried on with the rest of the experience.

Now although reason and serenity took hold of me, I must admit, my visceral reaction to the ring was more like “Oh my god! What the f**k is that?!”After I saw the Nuva Ring commercial, it got me to thinking that there are going to be a ton of guys out there who don’t know the ring exists and are being set up for quite a shocker. We’ve got to establish some sort of protocol for girls to inform guys of what is lurking below. There has to be a way to communicate this information without killing the moment, right? Maybe something like this.

“You have a condom?”

“Yeah”

“Ok, great. By the way, I don’t like taking pills so I have an ethylene hormonal contraceptive ring in my vagina.”

Uhhhh, on second thought, scratch that. My generation of guys needs to get used to surprises. It builds character.