The Wit & Wisdom of Paris Hilton

Every month I sit down with my bastion of men’s interest journalism, Esquire magazine, and immediately turn to the “What I’ve Learned” column. The “What I’ve Learned” column is a one-page canvas for celebrities and other public figures to espouse the wisdom they have accumulated over the years in a nuanced and matter-of-fact manner. This month’s subject? Paris Hilton.

The Esquire editors do their best to give Paris the benefit of the doubt and portray her as a smarter-than-she-looks starlet who can’t help it if the public is so dying to rock her socks that she got rich off it (as they did with Pamela Anderson, smart cookie), but Paris just can’t get out of her own way and comes off as the dimwitted vamp we all thought she was to begin with.

Who am I to deny you such gems? Here are a few of Paris’:

There are definitely a lot of misconceptions about me out there. “Oh she doesn’t work. She doesn’t do anything. She just gets money from her family.” That’s not true at all. I was up making phone calls at seven in the morning.

Really? I had no idea! We had you all wrong Paris. I’ll run that quote by a coal miner in West Virginia and see if he has any comments on what constitutes real “work”.

Everyone was so excited that I was born, they would always take pictures of me. My grandma would call me Marilyn Monroe or Grace Kelly. Ever since I was little, it’s what I knew I wanted to do – be a blonde icon.

And it’s a good thing your family had cash because every other blonde girl who aspired to that particular goal ended up straddling a brass pole…instead of Rick Solomon’s pole (sorry, had to get that one in there).

Because of my last name and the way I look, some people think I’m a spoiled brat. But I’m not like that at all. I’m one of the most down-to-earth people I know out of anyone in Hollywood.

Being the most down-to-earth person in Hollywood is like being the Cuban guy who wears the least tight shirt in Miami.

A great party starts with a great list of people.

And yours starts with Kevin Connolly and 17 guys named Stavros. Practice what you preach toots.

Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don’t need to go out.

That’s the motto that kept Hugh Hefner in his house for 9 straight years in the 70’s. And Paris, you’re no Hugh Hefner.